Have you ever been called out for not listening to the person in front of you? I am guilty. My husband has on more than one occasion stopped in mid-sentence while talking to me when he sees that I am not even looking in his direction, my attention focused on a text message or some other distraction Not only is that rude and disrespectful on my part, but it is also not conducive to active listening.

As we move forward on our Synod journey called for by Pope Francis, Bishop Daniel E. Flores tells us we must “make a special effort to listen to one another.”

Let’s consider first our understanding of the word “listening.”

Sometimes we might think we are listening, but I have observed too often, that people are more intent on speaking. Rather than truly listening to what another person is saying, some are simply waiting for their turn to have their say.

Listening takes effort. We have to ascertain if we are truly listening to someone with the goal of understanding and learning from another. Or are we intent on putting forward our own opinions without a genuine willingness to listen to another, to respect that we each may have a different opinion? After all, we each come from diverse backgrounds and cultures.

Beginning with our families at home and the early lessons we received in communication from our parents, we each have different realities and different approaches.

Active & Compassionate Listening

For active listening the essentials include
time, respect and patience.

 

• First, we must be fully present. Silence your phone and set it aside. If we start with the understanding that to listen is to be present for another, we can proceed with the intention of hearing another, of gifting another our time and attention. We show our respect by acknowledging that in that moment, the person before us has our full attention.

 

• Don’t be impatient for your turn to talk. We don’t have to do all the talking to fill what we call in radio “dead air.” Give another time to share their story, opinion, thoughts or concern. Wait for the person to finish what they have to say. Repeat or paraphrase what you heard to confirm you understood what they meant.

 

• A key to listening is word choice and meaning - making sure we share an understanding of the words used. At times the same word may be interpreted differently. Let’s remember when it comes to language, we are navigating “a maze of little streets and squares,” as the philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein noted in his book Philosophical Investigations.

 

• Practice compassionate listening. Listen with your eyes, but also with your whole body. Listen to what the person before you wants to share or needs to share with you. St. Benedict advised we listen with the ear of the heart.

Sometimes our own preconceptions get in the way. We want people to think as we do.

Stephen Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, lists listening as Habit 5: Seek first to understand … Then to be understood.

“Really listening to get inside another person’s mind and heart is called ‘empathic’ listening. It’s listening with empathy. It’s trying to see the world through someone else’s eyes.”

In these days when the current climate in the world demonstrates that many are not listening, I highly recommend we take some time to evaluate our own listening skills.

What is your level of interest in the other person? Can you set aside your own biases and agenda? Identify the obstacles that get in your way of actively listening to another. Perhaps it is impatience, or pride thinking you have all the answers. Or maybe it is past hurts and experiences. What is your disposition at the time — are you tired or have another matter that is distracting you?

Perhaps as we look at how we can each take part in the Synod, we can schedule some time with our families to talk about the art of listening. A good starting point is reading together the chapter on Habit 5 in the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.

At the core of listening is love. Our Lord, Jesus Christ tells us: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another (Jn. 13:34)."