Navigating tender love vs. tough love

February is often viewed as the “month for love.” There is love of God, love of family, love of neighbor, and love of those whom we find difficult to love. There is also love of those we probably most love (like our children) even if we don’t always feel loving towards them because they need to test our love and we need to raise and form them — sometimes with tough love.

Pope Francis reminded us of this at the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia in 2015. “In families, there are difficulties. In families, we argue; in families, sometimes the plates fly; in families, the children give us headaches. And I’m not even going to mention the mother-in-law,” he said. “But in families, there is always, always, the Cross. Always. Because the love of God, of the Son of God, also opened for us this path. But, in families as well, after the Cross, there is the Resurrection, because the Son of God opened for us this path. Because of this, the family is — forgive the term I’ll use — it is a factory of hope, of hope of life and of resurrection. God was the one who opened this path … In families, there are difficulties, but these difficulties are overcome with love.

“Hate doesn’t overcome any difficulty. Division of hearts doesn’t overcome any difficulty. Only love is capable of overcoming difficulties. Love is a festival. Love is joy. Love is to keep moving forward.”

When our daughter was about five or so, she once asked me, “Mom, why do you always have to tell me what to do?” To which I responded, “Because it is in my job description; I’m a mother.” But who made the job description, she asked, you or God? I chided: both of us! A couple of days later she did something mischievous and told me: “Mom, that’s in my job description. I’m a kid!”

I believe that parenting is probably the most important thing I will ever do and probably the most challenging thing I will ever do. Perhaps other parents share my sentiments. Our daughter is grown now, but when she was young I would read as much as I could about parenting, knowing not everything was applicable or perhaps even advisable or consistent with our beliefs. But I gleaned what helped us discipline (from the word disciple), and we called upon the Holy Spirit to guide us.

The following are some excerpts from a few parenting resources that can be found online. Intentional Catholic Parenting by Kim Cameron Smith, author of Building Blocks to a Joyful Catholic Home: The 7 Building Blocks provide a clear framework for fulfilling our sacred mission as parents. The Building Blocks work together to build and maintain connection between parent and child, to foster a rich family faith and Christian identity, and to create the emotional atmosphere necessary for Christian communion and spiritual growth.

1. Love: Children need unconditional love in order to thrive …
2. Empathy: Understand what’s behind your child’s eyes and in her heart at each developmental stage …
3. Play: Enter a child’s play world on their terms. Be willing to be silly and goofy on occasion!
4. Radiant Faith: Allow your home to reflect the abundant joy and hope of our Catholic Faith …
5. Gentle Discipline: The heart of effective discipline is the connection between parent and child.
6. Balance: Balance work, play, and prayer in your home …
7. Strong Marriage: If you treat your child with respect and affection, but fail to do the same with your spouse, your child may still enter adulthood with a relationship handicap

IMOM: As parents, we’re hard-wired to protect our children from harm — even from momentary discomfort. But sometimes those moments of disappointment or frustration are necessary to drive home important lessons. For some strong-willed children, nothing but tough love gets through.

• The forgetful child; the chronic forgetter of homework, leaver of lunch boxes, and loser of jackets. Let her go without lunch and be hungry for a few hours. Natural consequences are excellent teachers — let them do their job.
• The disobedient child … If the child persistently breaks the rules you’ve established for him, you may need to ban the very thing he wants badly enough to disobey; the gaming system probably needs to disappear for a good while.
• The lazy child: For every chore that’s skipped, another gets added to the list.

A philosopher stated, “A Prophet is not called to success, but to fidelity.” This can easily apply to parenting. We are called be faithful to our precious “job” of parenting and leave the rest to the Holy Spirit.

Pope Francis reminds us, “Love is shown by little things, by attention to small daily signs which make us feel at home. Faith grows when it is lived and shaped by love. That is why our families, our homes, are true domestic churches. They are the right place for faith to become life, and life to grow in faith.”

Lydia Pesina is the director of the Family Life Office